Currently Listening Feeling Strangely Fine By Semisonic "Closing Time" see related

Sober on a Saturday night. 

Doesn't quite feel the same, but a clear head has its advantages.  For instance, I have the ability to take on certain responsibilities.  Equally important is the ability to remember and understand things.  This goes for everything, good and bad. 

To be honest, I have no idea what has gotten into me lately.  It could be my heavy school load or lack of sleep, but something’s thrown me off the rails.  Constantly doubting myself isn’t helping either.  I have this overwhelming fear that people are talking about me behind my back.  This only causes me to pick and choose my words carefully.  Even this creates problems.  I question what was said and how that person I addressed will react to it.  For the record, if I have hurt you in any way, that was not my intention and I'm sorry.

I suppose this offers some explanation to why I’ve been drinking so much lately (by my standards at least).  Somehow it makes me less anxious, or so I think.  I tend to worry about things less.  The worst part is waking up the next morning and cringing over what was said and done the night before. 

Like I said, I’m sober right now.  It’s been a fairly quiet evening and I’ve got a long day ahead of me tomorrow.  I’m hoping I feel better when I wake up in the morning. 

“My car and my guitar”

What an intriguing thought. 

Currently Watching Garden State By Natalie Portman, Peter Sarsgaard see related

You hear about it all the time.  Someone manages to hold in every emotion until one day it all comes out in a violent fit of rage.  Let me rest assure you this isn’t a violent fit of rage.  It's more like a culmination of frustration and disappointment.

More importantly, this is meant for all the people in my life who have known me to be slightly different.  I'm hear to tell all of you that you don't know the half of it.  I'm more screwed up that you could ever imagine. 

Initially, I planned to post an elaborate entry that ran through my life all of last year.  For those of you who were concerned of my wellbeing over that time, you had every reason to feel that way.  Never before did I feel more helpless and alone.  I covered all the way up until last summer before I gave up writing about it.  Honestly, I don't know why exactly.  Maybe I was afraid of what it was saying.  I kept thinking about how people would react to it and how people would possible be hurt by it.  So instead I decided to write this.  Believe me; this is much shorter than the initial entry.

For starts, I would like to ask all of you a question.  Would you honestly be happy with my life?  I pity you if you said yes to this question.  More importantly, I wonder why.  I hear all the time people telling me how smart I am.  How they wish they were as smart as me and how they wish they had the opportunities I had.  Putting intelligence and money aside, what else do I have that appeals to you?  Allow me to give you a better perspective.

First of all, I have parents who spoil me beyond belief.  More than I even deserve I might add.  Believe me, this only adds to the overwhelming pressure to please them.  To them, my job is to surpass the disappointing, underachieving life of my brother.  Imagine being 3 years younger than your sibling and being treated as the oldest child.  For this reason, leaving home was the best decision of my life.  And to think they have the nerve to make me feel guilty for wanting to be on my own. 

What else do I have?  More importantly, what is it that I don't have?  For starters, I don't have a relationship with anyone.  For all of you who have someone to be with, let me be the first to say how much you sicken me.  You constantly rub it in my face how happy you are.  On top of that, you constantly make me feel more and more jealous for not having what you have.  Too often you have taken your shots at me, only to make me feel worse about myself.  Do you really think you’re helping me by pushing me around?

Oh how I wish things were different.  I wish I could be an outgoing person who doesn't care what other people think of me.  All day long I think about what people say about me behind my back.  In addition, I reflect back on all the times I made a fool of myself in front of others.  Instead of learning from my mistakes from my past, I allow them to torture me.  My good memories are put aside as my bad memories consume me.  This only allows me to hate myself more.

The worst part of it is that I see no end to my misery.  I continuously find myself in the same pathetic situation where solitude is my only relief.  I find joy in isolating myself in my room and listen to music. 

It's at times like those where I think about getting away from it all.  The idea is to jump in my car and just drive.  There is to be no certain destination.  The goal would be to leave this life completely and start over from scratch.  Maybe then I would be able to accomplish all that I've failed over the years.

Reality always sets in when I have thoughts like this, though.  There's always something to do or somewhere to be.  I believe I’ll never be able to escape this life I've made.  My only hope is that something happens to me completely unexpected.  I need something to change my perspective and give me hope for the future, because right now I don't see there being any.

There has to be something more for me out there.  I’m tired of being ashamed of myself.    

“Tell me there's a logic out there.
Leading me to better prepare
For the day that something really special might come.
Tell me there's some hope for me.
I don't wanna be lonely
For the rest of my days on the earth.”

For the record, I really am sorry.

Currently Listening Smash By Offspring "Smash" see related

I really had a desire to write an entry tonight.  The problem is I don't have much to say right now.  Well, at least nothing to say that anyone else would care about.

Oh, there is one thing.  I'm thinking about creating a My Space account.  I had fun playing around on the website earlier checking out local bands.  I suppose it would be cool to have some online friends.  I know what you’re thinking though.  If I'm going to join My Space, why don't I join Facebook too? 

What it really comes down to is not wanting to be like everyone else.  For example, take those white iPod earplugs everyone is sporting these days.  I'm sure some people bought iPods for no reason other than the fact that everyone else has one, as shown with all the white wires hanging from peoples ears on campus.  The first time I went out with my iPod, I felt like such a tool wearing those earplugs.  In fact, I wanted them hidden as much as possible.  The real reason I got an iPod was for the music, not to be trendy.  And for the record, those earplugs suck ass.  It didn't take me long to switch those pieces of shit with my tried and true Sony headphones.

This same scenario applies to Facebook.  So many people sign up on Facebook simply to fit in with everyone else.  It's the ultimate example in the triumph of peer pressure.  For that reason I have not become a Facebook member.  Who knows, maybe things will change if this whole My Space thing works out.

Call me what you will, but I'd prefer a hammer or socket wrench.

Wow, I guess I did have something to say.   

Currently Listening Eudora By Get Up Kids "Burned Bridges" see related

So it seems my most recent posting has triggered some heated discussion.  Mostly on how harsh I was towards my rival school.  As it turns out, my choice of words offend certain people.  Some of which I would never want to harm in any way. 

The real reason for the posting was not to upset others.  It was primarily used to vent my frustration over the many disappointments I've experienced during my life as a MSU fan.  Anyone who knows me well should understand how upset I become upon losing.  That goes for everything from a golf match to a basketball game between Michigan and Michigan State.  It happens to be one of my many character flaws.

I mention this not as an excuse for my ignorant comments, but in hope you can understand how my passion got the best of me.  For once I took things too far and I apologize for that.

In addition, the posting was also used to see what kind of response I would get from it.  I honestly didn't think people would take me seriously.  I guess I was wrong.

So alas, a new day came and a lesson learned.

P.S.  If anyone has further remarks regarding this issue (or any issue for that matter), I ask that you speak to me up front.  It's far too difficult resolving anything without direct interaction.

Currently Listening Load By Metallica "Ain't My Bitch" see related

It's been over 3 hours since my beloved Michigan State basketball team suffered a defeat to that school down the road.  Venturing on to my computer I took a glance at my fellow Spartans away messages on AIM.  A common theme was how the refs called a horrible game for our side, concluding it was their fault we lost.  I'll admit some calls seemed to be questionable, but such minor element in a hard fought game shouldn't be used as an excuse.  I'm ashamed at the ignorance of my classmates.  Next time try to show some maturity.  This loss was tough, indeed, but swallow it with pride instead of whining like a wolverine does when they lose to Ohio State. 

I can see how this could sound like me bashing my own school instead of being pissed at what happened in Ann Arbor tonight.  Now don't get me wrong.  I hate Michigan more than most.  Their arrogant self declaration of superiority and lack of respect for other institutions gains no creditability in my eyes.  The UofM athletic department is merely an extension of this.

What irks me more than anything is the common "Michigan Fan."  I'm sure you see them all the time.  Walking around town with their maize and blue winter jacket toped off with their bright, overexposing hat.  Most likely this person has no affiliation with the university but will without a doubt claim to be the biggest UofM supporter known to man.  The simple truth is that these individuals are merely seeking an identity and eventually end up jumping on the bandwagon. 

To me, being a fan requires not only passion for the team or school, but a connection on some realistic level.  I have no respect for these poser fans or the school they represent.

In conclusion, I would just like to invite every wolverine to kiss my ass.  Instead, you might be better off simply fucking yourselves.  Besides, it's you that you love more than anything anyway. 

So see ya in March bitches, if you can make it.

Go Green.  Go White.  Forever.